At the end of the day when all is said and done… The only thing that matters
is how much
Its taken me 15 months to get truly comfortable with the love I feel for this little girl. When she first arrived I kept waiting for someone to tell me it was all a big mistake; that it wasn’t real, that I wouldn’t get to keep her. I was almost waiting for someone to take her away. Because how could it be true, a love like this? We accept the love we think we deserve and for me, this was just too much of it. It dawned on me recently: I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself the way I love her. So when she was born… She had to teach me. Loving her has taught me so much about loving me. About being in love. Dwelling in love. She’s helped me peel away things I was conditioned to believe were prerequisites of love; that I had to act in a certain way or be a special person to receive it. She’s taught me that the love I hold in my heart for her – and it’s an infinite amount – I can also hold for myself.
For these past 15 months I’ve been in training. And every day, Love gets a little easier. I let my belly soften even when I’m wearing tight dresses. I don’t lie awake at night thinking about mistakes I’ve made. I ask for help much more often. I’m more gentle with myself and that little voice in the back of my head telling me I don’t deserve… It gets a little bit quieter each day.
And, also: I’m no longer obsessing over the ways in which I might lose her. We are here because we’re meant to. Love is here because it’s meant to. And maybe thinking I wasn’t worthy all along was here because it was meant to, too.
Maybe I needed of lifetime of finding my way to figure out
I was already home.