Sometimes I can’t believe I get to have all of this. There were so many times in my life where I doubted if I was in the right place. And there were dark moments, heavy times where I lost faith in absolutely everything. My best friend died and then my grandmother and then my dog and then my mom tried to commit suicide. All in one year. I remember a moment when I was walking the dogs and felt this overwhelming longing to step out into the ocean and never come back. I was on the north shore and it’s all cliffs and the sea was dark and rough. I remember the feeling of wanting to disappear so well because it was a brand new one. For the first moment in my life I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue doing this… This life. I was so sad and in it so deep I just couldn’t see how I would ever climb my way out. I was just so sad, every day.
I took my shoes off and put my feet in the cold water. Then Ringo barked and I realized, well, I can’t die now. Where would the dogs go? There would be no one to bring them back home. So I walked back to the car and drove away. I came back home and told Dennis “I just contemplated walking out into the ocean. I think I need help now”. The panic I saw in his eyes is something I never want to invoke in another human being ever again.
So. I got help. Within five minutes my friend Rose was there and we laid on the floor in a pile, her Dennis and I. Rose told me over and over; “it’s just a wave. It’s a wave of grief. We will ride it out together. It will pass soon.” So we stayed there, like that. I wailed and they just held me.
Eventually the pain diminished enough for me to take a breath and realize; I don’t want to die. Not at all. I want to live. I just have to learn how to cope with these waves as they come. I need to learn how to surf.
Well. It’s been a few years and the waves still come. I had one a moment ago, just before writing this. I’m sitting here with another bestie. She took this picture. I have a Lea Luna in my life and it makes everything that came before feel purposeful. It still hurts like hell but without it… I wouldn’t be here. With my feet in the sand. Holding a love so big I don’t know how I ever lived without it.