Episode 46 – Sex, Sarcasm, and The Meaning of Consent
Listen to this episode here!
In this episode Rachel is joined by her husband Dennis (who’s getting more candid and slightly more inappropriate for every episode!). They start off talking about a recent disagreement they had and how they process things completely differently when they fight. They then dive into the sensitive topic of the #MeToo movement – Dennis shares some stories from his past and they discuss the true meaning of consent and then Dennis tells the hilarious story of their first night together (what!!). Taking questions from social media they also get into the topic of jealousy, exes, their hectic schedule and how they stay balanced in their relationship (hint: it requires having a good sense of humor).
[02:00] Rachel: Hi, and welcome to another episode of From The Heart: Conversations with Yoga Girl. Today, as promised, I have my husband, my baby daddy, my business partner and my best friend on the show, Dennis Schoneveld. Welcome back to the show, Dennis!
Rachel: Hello, hello, hello. How are you doing today?
Dennis: Pretty good.
Rachel: Pretty good?
Dennis: I had a good day.
Rachel: Had a good day?
Rachel: I just realized, as I pressed record one second ago you opened a bottle of kombucha. You know kombucha makes you burp?
Dennis: Yeah, I’ve been burping the whole time.
Rachel: (laugh) You can’t burp into the mic though. What’s new with you? What’s happening?
Dennis: Since last podcast?
Rachel: Since, like, right now. In the spirit of From The Heart, what’s happening in your heart?
Dennis: My heart and the rest of its body was sick a few days ago. I had a pretty bad fever and so I was out for two days. That’s the only thing that’s basically new.
Rachel: That’s the only thing that’s new? I kind of think it’s funny because you sometimes get “man sick.”
Dennis: No, I don’t think so.
Rachel: Like, everyone listening, especially every woman listening, you know exactly what “man sick” is. Like, when a man gets sick and the woman gets the same level of sick, I find, at least in our relationship, like, you kind of milk it a little bit. BUT, you were really sick this time, because you slept the whole time. That’s how I knew.
Dennis: Yeah, I was sick the whole time. Two days of intense sweating and freezing.
Rachel: I know. It’s really, I don’t know, since the baby was sick I feel like, I don’t know, I have reached whole new levels of OCD in terms of cleanliness, and I never really cared about that that much. I wasn’t, like, annoying with washing my hands or anything like that, and now I’m kind of freaking out about germs.
Rachel: You’re not.
Dennis: No, no. Not at all.
Rachel: (laugh) You’re probably the least freaked out person about germs.
Dennis: Yeah. Well, I freak out if I’m sick, then I don’t want to touch her or I don’t want to breathe around her, but germs, no.
Rachel: Yeah, but it goes with that. Like, that’s how babies get sick.
[04:00] Rachel: Yeah.
Dennis: I ate sand when I was little, I came out fine.
Rachel: She’s also eating sand, she’s also still fine. But, I don’t know, when you were sick, so, I tried to quarantine you and I put you in the bedroom and kind of closed the door for two days, and we had someone help with the baby because I was working a lot, but I realized today, so, I got a coconut together with Amelie, our studio manager, we bought a coconut at the side of the road, and the guy who’s handing us the coconut is like a old man, maybe in his seventies, and he just sits at the side of the road in the middle of the desert selling his coconuts. That’s all he does. And then he chops my coconut open and he takes a straw from the bag of straws, but he grabs it at the tip of the straw, and shoves it down my coconut. I just, like … And I didn’t want to be the person to be like, “Uh, could you, like, give me another straw that you didn’t touch where I’m going to put my mouth?” kind of thing, but I didn’t want to be that person, so I didn’t say anything, and then the whole ride as I’m drinking this coconut, all I could think about was, like, his hands and where the hands had been, and like, oh my god is this dirty? What is going on?
Then I shared it with Amelie and she was like, “Why would you care about that? That doesn’t matter.” And I never used to think that way, and I’m wondering if I’m turning into, like, someone crazy now?
Dennis: Yeah, you are.
Rachel: (laugh) That’s not how it’s supposed to go!
Rachel: I mean, was I always like that?
Dennis: No, but your dad is. Or, I don’t know, it never…
Rachel: My dad is, oh, totally.
Dennis: Well, your dad is-
Rachel: And my brother.
Dennis: … that it got my attention, with you it didn’t get my attention yet.
Rachel: No, because I never felt it, and now everyday I feel like it’s getting a little bit worse. Like, I was at dinner yesterday and someone was, like, “Oh, this drink was so good, why don’t you taste it?” And I’m like, “I’m not going to share a drink with you.” (laugh) And I never would think that way!
Anyway, side note, I feel like I need to check myself before I got full-on OCD about this baby and germs and stuff.
Rachel: But you were sick, we managed, baby didn’t get sick, I didn’t get sick, we’re all fine.
Dennis: Yep, I’m like out of the blue yesterday night.
[06:00] Rachel: You’re out of the blue. (laugh) You’re supposed to say you’re out of the woods.
Dennis: Oh. We don’t have woods here.
Rachel: We don’t have woods here. We have blue, blue.
Rachel: You’re out of the ocean. (laugh) So … We got so many questions for this episode, they’re like, weird questions. Maybe now you’ve been on the show, so we decided last episodes that this was going to be a monthly thing.
Rachel: So you were on the show a month ago.
Dennis: We’re trying not to repeat the same questions?
Rachel: Yes, we’re trying not to repeat the same questions, even though people keep asking the same questions, and then I feel like they should just go back and listen to those other episodes, we’re not going to talk about the same stuff. But, for some reason, this day, I don’t know, do you think people have sensed that we had a fight recently or something? Because people are asking a lot of questions about fighting, and a lot of questions about how we deal with disagreements and arguments and stuff, and how we work through fights. That was something that just kept coming up.
Dennis: When did we have a fight?
Rachel: I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been a little annoyed with you these past couple of days (laugh).
Dennis: Well, that’s a one-way fight.
Rachel: (laugh) Yeah, you’re right. No, we didn’t really have a fight, I guess. No, but okay, we can begin with that. I mean, fuck, I can’t remember. I had a fight!
Rachel: Yes! … No.
Rachel: No. We fought when I was in L.A.
Dennis: Yeah, but that was, like, before the last podcast, and we talked about that already.
Rachel: Yeah, that was like November. Oh, we haven’t had a real fight since November, that’s good!
Dennis: Ohhh my god.
Rachel: Oh my god, should we have one right now? Make sure that they’re a little more frequent? But I mean we can talk about that, because so many questions came in about that. Someone is asking, like, what happens in our relationship when we fight? What’s the thing? Do we talk about it? Do we apologize? Do we vent? Do we shut down? What’s our pattern?
Dennis: Like, a real fight? Like, a bad fight?
Rachel: Yeah, but I mean we don’t have a lot of bad fights.
[08:00] Dennis: Yeah. I think the pattern is that I do like what most other guys do, and that’s just shut down and not react to anything anymore, be cold.
Rachel: Yeah, that’s great.
Dennis: You, there’s a lot more noise coming out of your mouth than normal, and you really want to talk a lot more than normal.
Dennis: Where, I don’t know, there’s nothing we need to talk about.
Rachel: Well that’s the worst part about anything. And I don’t know if this is .. I don’t know, I don’t love the idea of, like, “male” and “female” things anymore, because that just doesn’t go for everybody. But, I do find that it’s more of a husband thing-
Dennis: Well that’s the stereotypical-
Rachel: … to like a stereotypical thing for the hubs to just shutdown. And, for someone who’s furious or upset or angry about something, to have the other person on the other end just kind of like shutdown all the way and not communicate anymore, that’s the most triggering thing there is.
Dennis: Well, why would I give you what you want? We’re fighting.
Rachel: So you know, you’re then aware in the moment that this is going to be-
Dennis: Oh, hell no, it’s just awkward and annoying to talk about these things, so that’s why I don’t want to talk.
Rachel: Yeah but-
Dennis: But yeah, if we’re fighting and I can, like, shove one, like, a knife a little deeper in there, why not?
Rachel: (laugh) But can’t you tell how, like, I feel like there are so many moments in our relationship where we did have a fight and then I forced us to talk about it, like, really talk about it.
Rachel: Always, yes.
Dennis: All the fights, yeah.
Rachel: All the fights.
Rachel: I force us to talk about it. And, in the end, things get better.
Rachel: No, that’s-
Dennis: For you!
Rachel: No! For both of us. It’s awkward for you in the moment to talk about feelings–
Dennis: I analyze the fight and I’m like, I know how you’re feeling, I know what I’m feeling, let me know when we can be buddies again. That’s how it goes for me. And you want to, like, talk about feelings, go into a share circle, and then go burn some sage in the house, and then go in the woods and chop some shit-
Rachel: We don’t have have woods, we have oceans.
Dennis: Oh yeah, go in the oceans and chop some shit together.
[10:00] Rachel: But I mean, for me it’s like, okay, if we have a big fight about something, that means there’s something underlying here. You know? Usually it’s like we’re going about our business and then there’s tension building up for whatever reason, but that reason is a big deal, and then everything explodes for some reason, and then we fight.
Rachel: It’s like, it’s not just a random reason, so why not get to the bottom of why? And then we’ll grow, as a couple and as human beings.
Dennis: Some fight is not even about us as a couple, some fight is just about the surrounding of the other person. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to do with you and me, sometimes it has to do with something else, but because you’re the close one to me or I’m the close one to you, then-
Rachel: Right, we release, like, tension on each other.
Dennis: Yeah. And then it really becomes…
Rachel: Yeah, I guess so. But, okay, we can take yesterday as an example. So, this wasn’t a fight, it was, like, a little passive aggressive annoyance coming out of you.
Dennis: Yeah? I’ve been sick, stuck at home.
Rachel: You’ve been sick, stuck at home, so-
Dennis: For three full days.
Rachel: For a long time.
Dennis: And we have people shooting …
Rachel: (sigh) Yeah, we’re shooting this big project, like this big, you know, so anyone who’s listening, if you follow me on social media, you’ve probably seen that for the past 10 days we’ve been shooting something really big and it’s like we’re all over the place taking photos and makeup and hair all this stuff is happening.
Dennis: So, we have a professional photographer on the island, with us for two weeks.
Rachel: The team, yeah.
Dennis: With the team. But … So I’m stuck at home, sick, and all of this is happening. You go out with all of my friends-
Rachel: Yeah, but let me tell the story!
Rachel: So, yesterday, after shooting the entire day, like from six in the morning, the whole whole whole day.
Dennis: That’s not the entire story.
Dennis: That’s at the end of the story.
Rachel: No, that’s how this story begins. Okay, okay. You’ve been sick, you’ve been bummed about being sick. You want to be with the team, you want to shoot, you want to show everyone the island, you want to be part of all of the fun stuff we’re doing.
Dennis: I want to be part of the production.
Rachel: You want to be part of the production. And then, after you got better, you were home with the baby.
[12:00] Dennis: And while I was sick, everyone from the team and all of my friends, who’s also your friends, went out for, like, a shoot dinner, which means that we can actually use the company card, for once, to take our friends out, to have food and drinks, because it’s-
Rachel: When was this?
Dennis: This was the day that you all got drunk and went out, and I’m on my death bed!
Rachel: Oh! Oh (laugh). Wait, wait wait. You’re so annoyed about so many things from this week that it’s stored up!
Rachel: This is what I’m talking about!
Rachel: I’m talking about something different, but this is something that you haven’t shared with me, because you don’t share.
Dennis: No, and I analyze it and I know what I’m feeling, and like, oh, yeah, I’m feeling that way. So I’m not going to drag you down with me.
Rachel: Yes, but since you didn’t release it or vent it or say how you feel about it, it stays with you. That’s my whole point, of like when we’re in a fight-
Dennis: Well it was still happening.
Rachel: … it’s better to vent and get it all out there and, like, “This is how I feel. I feel disappointed or left out or lalala …” And then it’s out and then it’s done with, and then you don’t hold on to a little piece of resentment there.
So, what I was going to share was that yesterday, after a long day of shooting, I asked Dennis, like, is it okay if I go out to dinner? Because we have a friend on the island, and there was going to be an early dinner at 6:00. And you were still feeling kind of sick and you were home with the baby, and someone had to be home with the baby, because don’t have a babysitter. And you were like, “Yeah yeah yeah, that’s fine, no problem.” Then 30 minutes later we talk and it’s-
Dennis: No, in the same conversation.
Rachel: No, the second conversation one night was about the credit card. And then I said … You asked, “So where are you going?” And I said, “Oh, actually, I don’t want to tell you what restaurant we’re going to.”’
Dennis: Same conversation. I called you back with your credit card.
Rachel: What? This was another conversation.
Dennis: No no no, it’s the same conversation. After I had my blowout, or after I got pissed on the phone, then I called you back.
Rachel: Can you remember this is the podcast, we’re not supposed to, like, fight, okay? I’m telling the story now.
Rachel: It was not in the same breath. You first said, “It’s totally fine for you to go to dinner.”
[14:00] Rachel: And then second part of the conversation, whether it’s later in the same conversation, or I thought it was another phone call, you were like, “Oh, where are you going?” And I said, “Oh, I don’t want to tell you,” because it’s a restaurant I know you love. Then you were like, “WHAT!? You can’t go there without me! No! You should come home right now …” and you had this whole thing where you lashed out at me, and I wasn’t allowed to go to the restaurant because you wanted to go there. Then I’m like, at my end of the table, I’m like, “Hey, does it matter, is it better if I go out, that I have a shittier time? Like, I should sit on a park bench somewhere and eat a hot dog?”
Dennis: No, I explained that too.
Rachel: Yes, but it’s like, from my end, like, kind of unreasonable that yeah I can go out and have dinner, but not if I go to the good restaurant.
Dennis: Yeah! Because that means if I want to go tomorrow you’re going to be like, “Oh yeah, I went there yesterday.”
Rachel: Yeah, but then you found out that it wasn’t the restaurant you thought and you were like, “Oh, that’s okay, I don’t care anymore.” And I’m like, “Oh my god, what is hap- .. You’re like an old, grumpy man.”
But now that we’re talking about this, you’re bringing up another thing, from when you were really sick when we went out to eat, because we had to shoot when we were out.
Dennis: No, it’s been days and days of not being part of production, and I’m trying to take pictures. I don’t know how to take pictures. And now we have a professional photographer here that I can learn from. But I’m stuck at home babysitting or I am sick.
Rachel: You were sick. Yeah, I know. And I know that sucked for you-
Dennis: All of these things are happening, and then the last drop of the bucket is, like, I wanted to go with you to this particular restaurant for a while, and you’re like, “Oh yeah I’m going to go with everyone, again.” And I, “Aw fuck this shit.” I was not happy.
Rachel: But can you not see … Okay, so it wasn’t an issue because it was another restaurant, but can you not see that if you speak about, you know-
Dennis: Oh hell no, I feel the same way.
Rachel: No! It comes out, the whole point-
Dennis: I still feel the same way because I know if I want to go there tonight, you’re going to be like, “Oh, nah, I kind of went there yesterday.”
Rachel: Dude, that’s not what it is at all.
Dennis: It is! And it won’t feel the same.
Rachel: What do you mean? Actually, since yesterday, since you had such an intense reaction to us going out to eat, just because of that one restaurant, I have asked if one of the girls at the studio can sit for us so we can go and go to the restaurant you want to go to. So, I know … The thing is, here’s how it goes: Our fights, when they’re not fight fights, like yesterday you were being annoyed and kind of grumpy and a little annoying.
Dennis: This was a five second thing.
Rachel: Yeah, this was a very brief thing, but I was still kind of shocked how you were like, “No, you can’t go out and have fun if you go the the restaurant I want to go to. If you go to another restaurant, it’s okay.” I’m like, dude …
[16:00] Dennis: Well, for instance, 30 seconds after my spazz out or whatever you want to call it, I called you back and I’m like, “Hey, you don’t have money on your card, we need to meet so you can actually-
Rachel: I know! That’s what I mean. So, this wasn’t like a fight fight. It was a very brief thing and then we laughed about it almost immediately, and then you called me and then I got the credit card, and everything is still fine. But I feel like that’s kind of how we roll with normal stuff.
Rachel: Yeah. You kind of hold on to some stuff-
Dennis: You’re better at that though. You’re better at lashing out, yelling, and then ten seconds later you’re like, “Let’s go see this episode on Netflix!”
Dennis: And I’m, like, still in shock from like 10 seconds ago.
Dennis: Maybe I pulled a Rachel yesterday.
Rachel: Maybe you pulled a Rachel yesterday. And that’s why the fight did not linger, that’s the thing. When you pull a Dennis and you don’t say anything, but you’re super upset about something, or when we have a fight and you shutdown and then you don’t talk to me for an entire day, that does not help anybody.
Dennis: That’s how I process. And then I go run for 10 kilometers or I go bike for 90 kilometers, and…
Rachel: I know, and then for me, I’m sitting on the other end of that, and then you come back and yeah you’ve biked for 80 kilometers, and then you’re like, “So, are we going to have dinner, or what?” And then we didn’t talk about this major thing that we just fought about.
Dennis: I processed it already.
Rachel: You processed, but I didn’t process.
Dennis: That’s on you, lady.
Rachel: (laugh) So, I mean, I guess the learning here is we have two very separate ways of processing. You process in silence, on your own, alone. I process by speaking about it. And at the end of the day, when we merge those two ways of processing, we actually get a good thing, because we get some silence, we get some talking, and then we find balance there. I very rarely find that we have heavy stuff that sits at the bottom of our …
Dennis: No. I think for, I’m not an expert in this, but I think for-
Rachel: Oh, you’re not?!
Dennis: No. For anyone out there, I think any fight, you should think about that you’re going to say. Maybe stay with it for like 12 to 24 hours before you actually talk it out.
Rachel: No! That’s a waste of 24 hours!
Dennis: Dude. Like-
[18:00] Rachel: What’s going to happen in those 24 hours, where you’re like, “Okay, we’re going to close this entire conversation down and pretend.”
Dennis: The other person is going to be, like, word vomiting, saying all of the things that she … I’m not … I’m gender neutral, by the way, but what she would say.
Dennis: (laugh) And then it gets way worse, and then the fight can last for five days. If you just sit down, process it-
Rachel: When has that ever happened for us? We never, ever-
Dennis: All the fights!
Rachel: Have we ever had a five-day fight? Are you crazy?
Dennis: But I feel like if you would, like, chill a little bit more and think about things and not say what you think at the moment …
Rachel: You know what? If you took less time to be silent and shut down, our fights would be over way faster.
Dennis: Maybe we can meet halfway?
Rachel: (laugh) So what’s your, like, average time that you need to be quiet and chill?
Dennis: Six, seven days.
Rachel: Dude! No, no, no. Oh my god, all the people that asked us questions about this, I don’t know why you’ve asked us, because clearly we are not experts here, at all. I don’t know, I think talking about it is always the way to go, but I have also learned that you need some time to process and a little bit of space. So, if it’s the heat of the moment, like, rage, yeah, then I’m very bad at stepping back. But if it’s like yesterday and I know you’re feeling sorry for yourself, then I don’t have to push any more buttons, because I know it’s just you being down, you know?
Dennis: Yeah. But I’m good at admitting that, though.
Rachel: Yeah! I think, like, you’re good at noticing when I’m having a low moment, and you just cut me some slack of like, okay, you know? We give each other that, so I think that’s good.
[21:18] Rachel: Okay, well (laugh) moving on!
Dennis: Question number two.
Rachel: Question number two. No, but moving on. So, this shoot that we’re doing, we got a lot of questions about that, of course, because it’s a big thing. Unfortunately we cannot reveal what it’s for just yet. It’s going to be a little while, like a couple of months, before we can announce some really, really exciting stuff. But, some people asked, because I’ve been sharing in social media a lot of, like, makeup and stuff, and hair and makeup, and some very different looks than what I normally do, because I normally don’t wear makeup. How do you like these sort of very different looks on me?
Dennis: I like the hair. I like the way the hair is, like, I don’t know. The hair is nice when it’s loose.
[22:00] Rachel: Yesterday you saw me?
Dennis: Yeah, yesterday you had like a Ru Paul thing going on.
Rachel: (laugh) This was after the whole credit card, restaurant thing. And then he drove all the way to meet me to give me the credit card, and then he pulled down the window, and he was like, “Whoa! Okay, I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything, but … drag queen.” (laugh)
Rachel: I was like, “Oh thanks, yeah. No feelings are hurt.” The thing is not everybody knows about photography and also modeling and these types of shoots. Like, I would never put on makeup like this just to be outside and do that. This is specifically for specific type of shoots. So, different types of photography that requires different types of lighting, and yesterday we had these portraits in the studio. So, on camera it actually looks really amazing, and then I look at myself in the mirror, and I’m like, “Oh my god, someone hand me a box of Kleenex because I need to-“
Dennis: Yeah, it’s a little overdone.
Rachel: Yeah, I mean in real life it looks overdone.
Dennis: It’s like the typical, or I mean the stereotypical shows. You see, like, the Broadway drag queen, the Ru Paul.
Rachel: Yeah, the super … Not drag! What do you mean?
Dennis: I don’t know! No, I don’t mean the … Ugh.
Rachel: Are we going into a Dennis pit? Should I bring up the list?
Dennis: No. Don’t bring up the list.
Rachel: Should I add this to the list?
Dennis: I don’t mean it in a bad way.
Rachel: Maybe there are … Is drag queen, is that an acceptable term? Is that politically correct?
Dennis: Yeah, I was just thinking about it. Is that like a harm word?
Rachel: I don’t know. It’s really hard to have conversations these days. To me that’s not like a … I think that’s a pretty neutral term.
Rachel: If there’s any … What’s another word? Wait, I have to Google this. Okay, so Google this, just synonyms of drag queen is … So, definition: “Male performer who dresses as a woman. Synonyms: closet queen, cross-dresser, female impersonator, or transvestite.” If we have hurt anybody’s feelings, and drag queen is not a politically correct word, I deeply, deeply, deeply apologize. But it’s also really hard to just-
[24:00] Dennis: I’m trying to Google if it’s a bad word, but I can’t find anything.
Rachel: I don’t think it’s a bad word, and I think we should just carry on with our conversation. Um, and why are we talking about this anyway? Oh, because you were talking about Ru Paul.
Rachel: Do you remember we met Ru Paul?
Dennis: He’s awesome!
Rachel: She. He?
Dennis: English doesn’t have, like, a gen-
Rachel: Like a Hen. Yeah. In Sweden we have a gender neutral word, like a pronoun, it’s not a he or a she, but it’s a merge of the two. It’s really good.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah. Well, super cool human being.
Dennis: Yeah. He/she is a spirit animal.
Rachel: Your spirit animal?
Dennis: I wouldn’t say mine.
Rachel: Patrick would say he’s yours, but I don’t know.
Rachel: Who is Patrick’s spirit animal?
Dennis: He’s awesome. I don’t know. I would have to ask him.
Rachel: You would have to get into that. But anyway, yeah, the makeup is not going to stay.
Rachel: That’s the point, I guess. And you did not hurt my feelings, because I kind of felt the same way. Oh, and then when I was at dinner, there was a woman who was sitting at the bar, and she was like, “Hi, I saw you eating and I just wanted to say hi. I follow you on Instagram, and oh my god I was telling my husband, like, ‘Wow! You are so gorgeous in person. I cannot believe you look like this!’” I was like, I’ve never been more done in my life. I’ve never had that much makeup or my hair, and I’m like, “Dude, I do not look like this.”
Dennis: But today you have a lot of makeup on and you look really good. It’s just-
Rachel: Yeah but it was different. Today was like a beachy look with, like, bronze and glow. Yesterday was like a really heavy black eye makeup type of, yeah, thing. It’s really fun. Makeup is fun, we have a cool makeup artist on the island named Bruce, who I really really love. He’s a super nice, super spiritual guy, I really like him a lot. But I just, there’s nothing worse than taking makeup off. Yesterday I was trying to take my mascara off and I pulled out, like, half of my eyelashes. I just don’t know how to do it correctly. But, we have another couple days and then we’re going to be done, and then soon we can announce and share what we’re doing.
[26:00] Rachel: So that’ll be fun. Um, on this note, someone … Okay, this does not even really fit in. But someone who listened to the last podcast episode with you shared a really sweet question that says, “This is a question for Dennis. What do I do if Siri cannot answer my question about my purpose in life, and Google Maps gave me absolutely no directions on where I’m going?” (laugh)
Dennis: (laugh) Then, I think, she has a better shot at asking anyone in the world but me.
Rachel: Have you thought about that at all? Because a lot of people really enjoyed your answer on, you know, finding your purpose in life.
Dennis: What was my answer, again?
Rachel: To ask Siri for help.
Dennis: Yeah, but after that I tried to answer it for reals, but I-
Rachel: To be grateful for what you have.
Dennis: I guess. It’s like the story of the hippo.
Rachel: What’s the story of the hippo?
Dennis: The hippo think it was a zebra, but then it … It’s from a famous movie.
Dennis: The hippo wanted to be a zebra, but the hippo was never happy because it didn’t have the stripes. Then the hippo painted stripes, but still did not look like a zebra. But then the hippo accepted that he or she was a hippo, and then the hippo was happy. (laugh)
Rachel: I’ve never heard this story. Is this a children’s book?
Dennis: I think … No, it’s like one of those stupid comedies.
Rachel: What? But that was really sweet.
Dennis: I might have, uh …
Rachel: You might have butchered it! (laugh)
Dennis: I might have butchered it. I might have said it differently, and the guy who said it had a French accent.
Rachel: Okay then give me the French accent, please?
Dennis: Aw helllll no.
Rachel: Please? What about the Swedish, with the Eiffel towers and the baguettes?
Dennis: Oh, yeah.
Rachel: Another How I Met Your Mother reference.
Dennis: No, but this was a movie. I can’t remember. I think it was an Adam Sandler movie where they go on a Honeymoon, it’s with Jennifer Aniston-
Rachel: What? No! You’re totally confusing all of the-
[28:00] Dennis: Yeah, it’s in the beginning of the movie, or the end of the movie that Jean-Francois, Jean-something-Francois was … He went … Oh no, it’s Ben Stiller. Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston. Anyway, let’s just go question number two.
Rachel: (laugh) Oh my god. I feel like I have to bring up the list. Do you want to talk about the list? Actually, I’m adding drag queen to the list, now, just so you know, just in case.
Dennis: What list?
Dennis: Things I’m not allowed to talk about?
Rachel: Yes! (laugh) So, I have it at the top of my Notes app, and also at the top of your Notes app, but you’re never in your Notes, so you wouldn’t know. It’s a document that I have compiled titled, “Things Dennis Is Not Allowed To Talk About Ever Ever Ever. Ever!”
Dennis: Why not? Is it because…
Rachel: Number one, patriarchy.
Dennis: I don’t even know what that means.
Rachel: (laugh) That’s partly why you’re not allowed to talk about it. Number two, slavery.
Dennis: Yeah? Okay. Aruba didn’t have slavery. There, I said it.
Dennis: Aruba didn’t have slavery.
Rachel: Didn’t have slavery? You mean that there was no slave trading here.
Dennis: There was no slave trading here, that’s correct.
Rachel: What about in Bonaire?
Dennis: In Bonaire and Curacao there was a lot. Things were happening there.
Dennis: Bad things.
Rachel: Yes, bad things. I’m adding drag queen to the list. I had, like, the #MeToo stories were on the list, but then you had some, like, really wise things to say about the #MeToo movement.
Dennis: But you didn’t hear them.
Dennis: What did I say? I just said I will keep it short and I won’t go-
Rachel: No no, before, in private conversation, you had wise things to say, but you’ve also said really stupid things thinking it’s fun to joke about, so I have kind of had it on the list, but also kind of not.
Dennis: I kind of spiral out of control when I’m sarcastic.
Rachel: Yes! And that’s the thing, people that know you know that that’s true. You can get sarcastic into, like, you can take sarcasm very, very, very far.
Dennis: Far. And dry.
Rachel: And dry. And it’s really funny, for people that know you. But if people don’t know you, you just come off as like a ginormous douchebag.
Dennis: Yeah, correct.
[30:00] Rachel: So, let’s go to that, let’s see if this-
Dennis: Let’s see how deep we can dig myself in this.
Rachel: Let’s see how you’re going to dig yourself into this hole. Okay. Where was it? Okay, so one of the questions that came in was, “Dennis, what are your thoughts on the #MeToo movement?” This is from a woman, she shared a long thing about how she feels like it’s gone too far, and that now men cannot even, like, touch a woman on the knee or on the arm in a friendly way without being accused of sexual assault. Let’s hear your thoughts on the matter.
Dennis: I was actually talking to your mom about this.
Rachel: Oh, no.
Dennis: And, your … Well, it’s … I think, like, if you’re being assaulted, you should report it. You should stand up for yourself, always. If it doesn’t feel right, you should do something about it. I was talking to your mom and she and me, or I, feel the same way that a lot of times you kind of scare a person, like a guy or a girl, I guess. Whoever is wanting to move on their butterfly feeling …
Rachel: What’s that? “Move on their butterfly feeling?”
Dennis: Like, you know, when you have the butterflies in the stomach.
Rachel: Oh, like a good thing!
Dennis: Yeah. Like, when you’re, like, when you’re nervous, you don’t know.
Rachel: Oh, when they want to make a move, uh-huh.
Dennis: A lot of times when you’re on your first date, or maybe your second date, or you’re about to change … you’re thinking of changing out of the friend zone, there is this feeling of unknown, like, this feeling of you don’t know-
Rachel: Yeah yeah, like, “Do they like me back or not?”
Dennis: Do they like me back, if I kiss … That is a really nice feeling to have. It’s like you get cold air, I mean, in your throat. I don’t know if that’s a saying or not. But it’s hard to breathe, hard to process, it’s just become awkward. And that feeling-
Rachel: Like infatuation, like …
Dennis: Yeah, big words.
[32:00] Dennis: But that feeling, like for instance, when we, on our first night, when I took you to that water tank to look at “stars” …
Rachel: Why did you have to put quote-unquote “stars”?
Dennis: Because it’s cheesy. Like, I was there for like maybe four hours. We were there for four hours before-
Rachel: Yeah, because you never made the move!
Rachel: It took you so long to make the first move.
Dennis: So, just imagine if we were there, and I misread it completely, and I kissed you, and then you were like, “Whoa, what the fuck? You just assaulted me!” Or, “You just sexually-harassed me!” I’m like whoa! … I don’t know, I feel like today you have a lot more to be scared of, in that sense.
Rachel: As a man, you mean.
Dennis: Well, a person. Like, I’m sure girls make the first move a lot, too.
Rachel: Yeah, but girls generally are not, you know, accused of sexual assault and rape.
Dennis: Yeah. So far. Yet.
Rachel: You think that-
Dennis: I don’t know, it’s going, like, it’s really building up.
Rachel: Of course that happens, but let’s not All Lives Matter the question.
Dennis: No! Yeah. But anyway, it’s in that sense, I think it’s scary. But yeah, if you’re in a power trip, you’re a dick, or you’re someone that’s fucking mean and you’re going to put someone in your dressing room and force yourself on them, that’s not cool either.
Dennis: But I’ve been to … I don’t know, when I was single, that three or four months that I was single-
Rachel: In your whole life.
Dennis: Yeah, in my whole life, that I kind of went out and tried to kiss girls at clubs at stuff, I think I was 19 or 20, I was going through a douche period of my life, and I would kind of throw myself on girls. I don’t know, I don’t think I did anything wrong, I just kissed them in clubs, and I never-
Rachel: Well did they kiss you back?
Dennis: Oh yeah, of course.
Rachel: Well, that’s kind of how you know! (laugh)
[34:00] Dennis: Yeah, but some of these allegations, when they have a power trip, they go, they force themselves, but the girls eventually give in. Like, the men is fully wrong, or the guys that are accused here are fully wrong. But at a certain point, they’re actually having sex with each other. Then she goes back home, she’s like, “What the fuck just happened?” And then she realized, like, “Oh, this is not good.” So I don’t know-
Rachel: But I think, like, what you’re talking about first, it’s like if you kiss someone in the club or you like them and they kiss you back, that’s immediate consent. You don’t have to, like, you know, “Is it okay for me to kiss you right now? I feel like we have a lot of chemistry and I’m going to ruin it with this awkward conversation.”
Dennis: But I think this question is talking about that, as like-
Rachel: Well it’s nuanced. Yeah, it’s not super easy to answer from this side of the table, but I think assault, there’s a really definite line there.
Rachel: And that’s also why. So if you are in this position of absolute power, where the person in front of you is so terrified to say no. They’re so terrified to say no because they’re scared they’re going to lose their job. They’re scared they’re not going to be believed, or whatever. You know? There’s not consent there, and that’s something that-
Dennis: So our story, for instance-
Dennis: Like, we kissed.
Rachel: Mm-hm. I kissed you back.
Dennis: And you kissed me back.
Rachel: I was wondering why it took you so long to kiss me. But then also I did not know at the time that you had a girlfriend.
Dennis: And you had a boyfriend.
Rachel: And I had a boyfriend.
Rachel: So I was kind of thinking, like, okay, if we don’t kiss, it’s kind of cool, because I have this boyfriend I need to break up with before anything else happens. But, we had butterflies, electricity, touching like an arm-
Dennis: Yeah. We connected.
Rachel: I was all over you, you were all over me. We really connected. So, there wasn’t really, like, a gray area there.
Dennis: Yeah, and that ended, or that part of the night ended. We got into the car, and then in the car I’m like, “Do I … Do you come with me? Or do I drop you off at your hotel?” And you were like, “Drop me off at my hotel.” I’m like, “Okay.” Then I drove to the other side of the island and took you to my house. That’s, like, one of those things that I don’t feel like … Today, you can’t do.
Rachel: (laugh) That’s my favorite story though! Yes, yes, I know. That is only okay if you’ve had, like, a whole night of intense sexual tension.
Dennis: That’s a gray area though.
Rachel: It was very clear, we were all over each other. It was very clear we both wanted it to go that way.
[36:00] Dennis: I don’t know. I’m from a little island. We were still young. We were 21 and 23. That’s a really young … Like, in Stockholm or big cities, you guys screw around like bunnies, probably.
Rachel: What do you mean!?
Dennis: Like, people get more mature, younger, in a big city, in a small island.
Rachel: No I mean here people live at home with their parents until they get married, or until they’re 30.
Dennis: When they’re 30, yeah. So then, already, I’m like, okay I’m going to bring this girl-
Rachel: No, but I mean, that story of, like, already then when you were like, “So, should we go to my house, or should I bring you to your hotel,” like, I took a really long time to answer, because I really wanted to go home with you. Like, really.
Dennis: I remember it being really clear that you wanted to go to your-
Rachel: But then I was like, no, honestly, because I had this boyfriend I had to break up with, and it was, like, not a cool thing, so I was like, “No, no, I should just go to the hotel.” And then we drove, and we were holding hands, and I was kind of regretting that decision, and then you just stopped the car, and I was like, “So, where are we?” And you were like, “My house.” (laugh) And I was like, “Alright, let’s go inside.” But, okay, here’s the question, if I would have, in that moment, like, “Are you insane!? Take me home!” Like, “I said I wanted to go to the hotel!” Would you have, like, dragged me out of the car, forced me into your house?
Dennis: I don’t know!
Dennis: I wouldn’t have dragged you, not by the hair, but I mean-
Rachel: What do you mean?
Dennis: Like, I don’t know how I … Because that was the period I was in my douche stage. I would have not forced myself upon you, but if you were like, crazy crazy “Take me to the hotel now!” maybe I would have been like, “Are you sure? You don’t want to kiss first and find out?” Like, I don’t know how you would react.
Rachel: Yeah, but would you have forced yourself on me, or done something against my consent?
Dennis: I would have have forced your, no. Oh hell no. Well, consent, I don’t know, I feel I still do stuff against your consent.
[38:00] Rachel: You don’t know the meaning of the word consent! This is also another complicated … Anybody listening- Okay, I feel like you are digging yourself into a hole right now, already. If you’ve seen this, there’s a YouTube video out there where they compare sexual consent with drinking tea. Yeah, if anybody has seen that. If you haven’t, Google it. Sexual consent and tea. I showed you that video, and you told me it was the first time that you actually understood the meaning of the words, consent, like what it actually-
Dennis: I never knew that the word existed.
Rachel: No, I mean, but there’s a lot of words that you don’t know exist. But the line is, like, I mean I kind of wish this was true, but you would not have forced yourself on me if I would have said no. If I had not given consent, we would not have hooked up. That’s just what it is.
Rachel: If I firmly was like, “Take me home you motherfucking asshole. I don’t want to be here.”
Dennis: Yeah. And I think you can beat me up, to be honest.
Rachel: That has nothing to do with it! The line is if there is no consent there, or the person is put in such a position of power that the abused is terrified to say no, or in such a place where that they cannot say no, in fear of losing their job or whatever, that’s not consent. It’s not consensual, so it should not happen. If it’s not consensual and it’s forced upon, it’s abuse. Right?
So, I don’t think that the #MeToo movement has anything to do with removing romance, or that now you can’t have butterflies and chemistry. But from the man’s point of view.
Dennis: It definitely scares people.
Rachel: Yeah, but from the man’s point of view, like, you don’t know what it’s like to grow up as a woman and to live with this shit for your entire life. Like it’s insane!
Dennis: Yeah. It’s true. I don’t and-
Rachel: I’m used to, if I walk outside of Island Yoga and I walk down any street of this island, in the middle of the day, wearing whatever, there’s going to be some guy in some corner-
Rachel: There’s going to be a guy honking at me no matter if I’m with my baby, if I’m with a stroller, if I’m with a dog, no matter if I’m in PJs or a tight, short skirt, there’s going to be honking cars. There’s going to be a guy who sticks out his head and like sticks out his tongue and makes super gross noises at me. That’s just what it is to be a woman. But we have this since we were teenagers, since we’re like pre-teen, so we think it’s normal that a guy looks at you that way. Makes you squirm, makes you uncomfortable, makes you like, “Ugh.” If we go out to a club, we’re going to have inappropriate things come our way, because it’s normal. You don’t have that, so automatically you are already in the place of power, because it’s kind of viewed as okay that guys are the ones that, like, hunt girls. You don’t see girls going out, like, “Oh, I’m going to …”
[40:00] Dennis: Yeah. We use that term too, actually.
Rachel: Who is we? You?
Dennis: Men, in general, go hunting. You go to a club, go hunting.
Rachel: Oh my god, I’m going to throw up right now. Yeah, but how do you look at that then. This is a really important thing. Now you’re mature-
Dennis: No but I’m … Grown ass man, yeah.
Rachel: You’re a grown-ass man. How does that term, how does it sit with you?
Dennis: When you’re like 19 years old, it’s like, “Oh yeah, we’re going to go to the club and go hunting.” But it was more of a sarcastic thing.
Rachel: Right. But, can you see how that type of language use is perpetrating rape culture?
Rachel: Like women are something to be hunted. And then you go for the kill.
Dennis: Yeah. Can I dig myself a little deeper now?
Rachel: No, wait wait wait. So, would you use a term like that today? Can you see how horrible, like, that type of language is?
Dennis: Well, if I go lion fish hunting I would …
Rachel: No, not lion fish hunting. Could you see yourself ever using that type of term, today?
Dennis: No, but that’s a juvenile term, and I was a teenager.
Rachel: Right, but can you see how bad it is?
Rachel: Like, how would you feel if Lea Luna goes out, and she goes out to dance, and there’s a bunch of guys “hunting” for her. Like, doesn’t that make you want to, like, fucking change something in this culture and these conversations to make sure that she doesn’t have to grow up like that?
Dennis: Oh no, but we’re going to have very high walls, with glass on top of those walls.
Rachel: (laugh) So, she’s never going to leave the house.
Dennis: No, no no. We’re going to have big dogs and-
Rachel: Big dogs, and we’re going to lock her up in a little tower.
Rachel: Okay, okay.
Dennis: She’ll be fine. But can I-
Rachel: That sounds like a reasonable way to solve this whole entire issue. Thank you!
Dennis: Can I dig myself …
Rachel: This is such a good conversation, I’m so happy.
Dennis: All of the stories are solved right there. High walls.
Rachel: All women listening, if you have daughters or girls or sisters-
Dennis: Trump knows. Walls.
Rachel: Trump knows, you just build a wall around your vagina.
Dennis: With glass.
Rachel: With glass. (laugh)
Dennis: So if they try to climb.
Rachel: On top, just board your vaginas shut, and that’s the solution to the sexual abuse.
[43:38] Dennis: But wait, I wanted to dig myself a little deeper.
Rachel: Okay, let’s do it.
Dennis: So let’s say, uh, let’s say in my situation, we came home, I parked, we went in. We might have had sex, we might have not had sex on the first night. We don’t know.
[44:00] Dennis: But after that you were like, “Oh no, what have I done? I have a boyfriend. You just, after that, you full on regret.”
Rachel: That’s different.
Dennis: How is that different?
Rachel: Like, if we had sex and it was all the way consensual, all the way, and then the next day I’m like, “Damn, I cheated on a boyfriend. This was really bad.”
Dennis: Or right after, I mean.
Rachel: Yeah, or right after. It doesn’t matter. If everything was consensual, then you did nothing wrong. That’s a totally different thing. If I want to have sex with you and I have sex with you because I really want to, it’s consensual. You have not abused me or exploited me in any way. So if I, the next day decide, or afterwards, like, “Fuck, man, this was not a great thing,” that’s my own problem, yes.
Rachel: Okay. So, the main really important conversation here is consent. And the culture. Okay, so let’s talk about the word “patriarchy.”
Dennis: I think they should invent a book where they have all the words in it.
Rachel: That you can carry with you all the time.
Dennis: And then it has meaning behind every word.
Rachel: Yes. It’s called your phone, it’s right there. Do you want to ask Siri what patriarchy means?
Dennis: I don’t think I can even repeat that word.
Rachel: Try it.
Dennis: Patrick. Arc-y.
Rachel: (laugh) Try asking Siri. Siri is your go to for everything. Do you even know how much you ask Siri for stuff, all the time?
Dennis: I haven’t asked her for anything this week.
Rachel: Okay. Siri …
Dennis: Maybe try my phone. I have the Australian one, the American one doesn’t work.
Rachel: Okay. Wait, no you have to do it, you have to do it. You have to do it. (laugh)
Dennis: Okay, we’re just wasting time now.
Rachel: Hey Siri? … Oh, she’s not responding.
Dennis: No, yours suck, it never work.
[Siri: I’m listening]
Dennis: Oh! Oh, bitch, you didn’t.
Rachel: (laugh) Hey Siri. What is the definition of patriarchy?
Siri: Here’s what I found on the web for “What is the definition of how to yorky”.
[46:00] Dennis: I can say that. How to yorky. I feel like me and Siri, we go hand in hand, you know?
Rachel: (laugh) I’m dying, I’m dying, I’m dying. I am dying. Okay, well, okay, Siri, you’re not my friend. Why did this happen so smoothly when you did it last time? (laugh) And now it’s not working for me. Okay, so, Wikipedia definition of patriarchy: “A system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it.” So, can you see how something that seems sort of juvenile and not a big deal, and just how boys are boys, when you say, when you’re 19, “I’m going to go hunting at the club.” Can you see how that’s part of this big issue that results in things like misogyny, abuse, and rape?
Dennis: I grew up in a Latin America culture, so the machista, or the… How do you say machista in English?
Rachel: Like the macho culture.
Dennis: Yeah, the macho culture is what’s real here. So, I think me, already, is like a long way from that.
Rachel: Oh, that’s for sure. Jesus, yeah, you’re really, really, really, really far from that.
Dennis: But compared to Sweden …
Rachel: (laugh) Compared to Sweden you’re like a machista dick!
Dennis: I remember the first time I went to Sweden, I thought, like, all of the guys were like, I don’t know, a little feminine. They were more in touch with their feeling. I don’t know, it was a culture shock for me.
Rachel: I know, because Swedish men, they groom, they are more put together. You …
Dennis: I’m dirty beach Caribbean.
Rachel: Yeah, you didn’t have a pair of shoes to go on a plane when we went to Sweden, that was part of it. And, I mean, in Sweden, I don’t know, I think Sweden is one of the most equal countries in the world. Still really far away from being there, but one of the more equal countries in the world.
Dennis: And the least religion. The least religious.
[48:00] Rachel: The least religious country in the world too. And I believe that, I mean, because we have like … paternity leave, like the dad gets as much time to be off as the mom if he wants. Or I mean, it goes like if the dad doesn’t take out the days off, they are lost. So it’s like, you split it evenly.
Dennis: But they don’t take it together. It’s like the dad takes three months, then the mom takes three months.
Rachel: Then the mom takes three months or however, but you get like 580 days, or something insane. Crazy, crazy amount of time. Paid, you know? Paternity leave. So, you see all these dads out with their babies, which is a beautiful thing, but it also means that it’s accepted in Swedish culture for a dad to be home with the kids. It’s not, like, a woman thing or a mother thing where the woman is by the stove or taking care of the house. It’s totally normal for the mom to pursue her career and for the dad to stay home with the kids. In Aruba that is definitely not the case. I mean, do any of your friends, anyone that you know that’s here have that kind of life?
Dennis: To be honest, I don’t even know, any of my friends, I think maybe I know one person that is like a stay at home person. But for the rest, both mom and dad works, and the kids are either by the grandparents or in a crash.
Rachel: In a day care or in crash, yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. But I mean, it’s definitely the type of culture where if anyone stays home with the kids, it’s the mom.
Rachel: Yeah. I think you’re one of very, very few stay at home daddie-os on the island.
Dennis: I’m trying to find a babysitter though.
Rachel: I know. I saw you yesterday … So, I randomly-
Dennis: Three times a week, four hours a day, so I can go to work!
Rachel: There’s this group here in Aruba, like a Facebook group with a lot of, how do you translate it?
Dennis: Questions and Offers.
Rachel: Questions and Offers. It’s like a group where you can ask any questions or sell or buy things and stuff like that. Then I see Dennis posts, like, “Looking for a babysitter for three to four times per week, send your suggestions.” And I’m like, “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Dennis: Yeah, because I want to work three times a week, four hours at a time, so that means I want to work 12 hours a week, just to stay on top of things, because I feel like I’m the bottleneck for everything.
[50:00] Rachel: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to have a babysitter four times a week.
Dennis: Well you’re not, we tried with … you, you’re not staying at home, you always have deadlines and all that shit and more important stuff to do.
Rachel: No, but then I’m going to be home.
Dennis: That’s not true. We tried this for months and months.
Rachel: Yeah, it’s been really challenging lately. It was fine in the beginning.
Dennis: But the reason I said three to four times per week was three times for me to work and maybe one for a date night, when she’s sleeping anyway?
Rachel: Yeah. I was thinking once a week after seven when she’s asleep. So, whoever sits, it’s just someone who’s like watching Netflix on our couch that we trust.
Dennis: Yeah. I need to work. I’ve been seeing a lot of shit happening here that I need to, like, take back into control.
Rachel: Oh, god. Well lets move onto that, because we got a couple of questions there as well. Someone asks how do we manage our time and agenda? “You seem very, very, very busy. Is it managed by someone? Who does what? Is your schedule booked by the hour all the time?”
Dennis: Your schedule, yes.
Rachel: My schedule, yes. But right now we’re in this very intense moment.
Dennis: But even if we don’t have intense moment, you’re booked by the hour.
Rachel: No but because now we have two weeks of shooting, and it’s like 15 hours a day, it’s insane, it’s nonstop all the time.
Dennis: And then there’s a book deadline.
Rachel: And then there was a lot of other things, like there is the book deadline that I have, and then we’re recording the podcast-
Dennis: Every week.
Rachel: .. and I’m doing emails and I have all these other projects and meetings and all this regular stuff.
Dennis: That’s outside of this actual business.
Rachel: Yes. And then, of course, we have the normal business too. Yeah, I mean we have like five full-time jobs, together, and we’re also stay at home parents at the same time. It’s kind of insane, and I get that. But I was just in like a really intense day when I was kind of almost crying at the end of the day, because it was so much, and I felt really overwhelmed and all of that, I was like, last week and the weeks before that we had all of this except the shoot which still meant that we could get up in the morning without having, like, a big agenda. Just eat breakfast, take it easy. The baby would go down for her nap, and then I would open my computer or you would open your computer, or we would go do something. I like that non-pressured part of life.
[52:00] But now we have, like, all of these deadlines that have to be met, and that puts a lot of pressure on us both. I was good with pressure before the baby, now I hate it.
Dennis: Yeah, it’s definitely … It’s hard.
Rachel: I hate it! Super hate it.
Dennis: It’s hard to concentrate on anything else and then be with baby, because you’re not being with the baby 100%, or you’re like giving your attention half to the baby and you’re giving half to work.
Rachel: No, that’s not okay, for me, at all. No, no, but I mean if I’m with the baby and you’re working, I am with the baby, 100%. Yeah. Then if someone is like, “Oh my god you have an interview that you forgot to schedule, you have to do it right now,” and then I’m like picking up the phone, then I want to, like, kill myself. I hate that feeling.
Dennis: No, but that’s the thing, you’re like, “Go to work, go to work, you can always go to work,” giving me shit to go to work, and then I … wait wait wait-
Rachel: Oh, this was kind of a fight that we had! Let’s talk about this.
Dennis: I don’t know if it was a fight, but I arrive at the office, I’m sitting the office for 15 minutes, she’s like, “Hey, you have to come back. I have this thing I have to do.”
Rachel: That’s not at all what I said. You’re totally exaggerating. I did not say you have to come back. You were already at work for several hours, and then I said, “We already had two scheduled things prior,” but you went in because there was an emergency. And I already had things scheduled.
Dennis: No, no no. It was on my day of work.
Rachel: Yes, it was on your day of work, but you had a lot of stuff that was like Urgent Urgent Urgent. And then, you know, okay we’ll go in tomorrow. But I already had things on my schedule. So if we would have said next week we’re going to start, you’re going to work Tuesday and Thursday, I would have been able to move things around, shuffle things around, or whatever. But now I couldn’t, so I was alone. But then I brought one of the girls from Island Yoga so I could take those beatings anyway. So, it worked out at the end of the day. But for me, like, the scheduling part, it needs to work. And with you, you don’t even know, you don’t even open your calendar app on your phone.
Dennis: It doesn’t work.
Rachel: Like, if I don’t tell you in the morning, “Here is what your day is,” you don’t know. At all.
Dennis: I don’t know. I just don’t know.
Rachel: (laugh) And that just drives me insane.
[54:00] Dennis: Not, but that’s the thing, I just know that if I said this one day per week or this two day per week I’m going to go in the office and get shit done, and then as soon as I get to the office you start freaking out and calling me every five minutes, then it’s really difficult, and then I can’t work in the office either.
Rachel: Yeah, that was one day, and if you would have had a little more scheduling time put into when you were going to go to work, that wouldn’t have happened. So, for me, the scheduling is really, really, really important, because I live my life by that calendar.
Dennis: Four hours of babysitting, none of us-
Rachel: Oh god. Well show me a qualified babysitter that we’re going to trust, and then I’ll be super … over-joyed.
Dennis: My people will talk to your people.
Rachel: (laugh) Your assistant will talk to my assistant?
[56:21] Dennis: Just, like, aside though. Remember we used to work a lot together?
Rachel: I know, I miss that.
Dennis: We used to actually make content together. And one of the questions was why did I start using a camera? I picked up a camera again. It was because you started complaining that you have no good content anymore, you don’t have fresh content. So then I’m like, okay, let me Google some shit. Let me look around. And then we went into our inventory list to see what kind of cameras we have. I’m using a film camera to take pictures with, and it’s been going okay.
Rachel: People were asking, do you want to share what equipment you’re using? Because a lot of people ask that. You’re taking amazing photos. And I know you’re, like, oh you don’t know what you’re doing, you have no clue, lalala. Dennis hates receiving compliments. He’s always-
Dennis: No, but it’s such a in depth world, cameras-
Rachel: No, but if someone says, like, “This is amazing,” you’re the first one to say, “Oh, no no no no, I suck.”
Dennis: I don’t say I suck. I’m like, “Oh, honey, you don’t know what [inaudible].”
Rachel: (laugh) You are taking amazing photos. You really are. I am super excited about that, and also I’m really surprised at, one, how dedicated you are, and two-
Dennis: Dude, I have to hunt you down!
Rachel: I know, it’s really hard!
Dennis: And then you complain that I don’t do it!
Rachel: You’re really dedicated! (laugh)
Dennis: Like every time, you’re like, “No, we don’t have time, no I don’t want to do it,” and then at nights, like, I can’t believe, why didn’t you just take a pic of me? I’m like, “What the fuck, lady?”
[58:00] Rachel: No! That’s not at all what it is. You just … Like last night, so, I have had this twelve-hour day of shooting, I’m so exhausted, I just want to lie down, and I had like six hours to sleep, and then that’s it. And you’re like, “Oh, just stay there! Stay in the corner of the couch. I’m just going to take a photo right now. This is so, like, ‘Ohhh.” And I’m like, “Fine!” but I’m kind of resenting you the whole time, because I don’t want to have a camera in my face all day. It’s kind of shitty. But then you took a photo and it’s really cool looking! It’s like, I don’t know … Sometimes you make me look like this version of myself that I don’t see myself as, at all. And it’s really nice.
Dennis: Uh, okay.
Rachel: Uh, okay.
Dennis: I see taking pictures kind of like making coffee. There’s no depth, it doesn’t stop, it just keeps going deeper and deeper.
Rachel: Other people who are not into coffee are like …
Dennis: They don’t know.
Rachel: Coffee, they have those pods, you know? You put the pod in and you press the button.
Dennis: Oh, honey.
Rachel: Dennis is into photography and the art of espresso making, and apparently both are deep, deep, deep, deeply complex areas of play.
Dennis: I’m far from not being there yet.
Rachel: But I’m really grateful that you’re taking photos, and I’m really grateful that I have content to share, because yes, that is one of my stresses. If I’m busy with everything else surrounding the business, and then I can have two days in a row where I didn’t have anything to share on social media, and I always want to share something every day, and I don’t want it to be a selfie with my baby everyday.
Rachel: I mean, okay, I kind of want it to be a selfie with my baby everyday. But it’s a really nice thing, to have really epic shots of what we do.
Dennis: Well, we need to go do couple-y stuff again. We need to just go out once a week and do normal couple-y stuff.
Rachel: I know that was another question. So aside from all the questions about fighting, which I could kind of energetically sense, because we apparently have had a couple of fights the past couple of days. But aside from that, there was a lot of questions about … Yeah, about romance. Someone was asking, do you celebrate Valentine’s day? If so, how?
Dennis: Yeah. Yeah. What are you looking at me for?
Rachel: (laugh) I’m fishing!
Dennis: I think this is our eighth Valentine’s Day together? Or our seventh?
Rachel: Eighth. Eighth.
Dennis: Eighth? So I get the first sevenths.
Rachel: The sevenths.
[60:00] Dennis: The first sevenths, I did.
Rachel: What did we do last year?
Dennis: It was good.
Rachel: Oh, was it? What did we do?
Dennis: I can’t remember, but I know it was way better than the birthday I had last year.
Rachel: What did we do?
Dennis: I don’t know what we do!
Rachel: You can’t even remember? How do you know it’s good? The baby was one month old. We had a four week old child.
Dennis: Lady. When was your baby born?
Rachel: Oh. Fuck. Goddamnit!
Dennis: You had pregnancy brain.
Rachel: Okay, I had pregnancy brain, I was super pregnant. I was like nine months pregnant.
Rachel: Oh yeah, this was ten days before due date, actually.
Dennis: Yeah. No, one month.
Rachel: No. Original due date was February 20th.
Dennis: Oh yeah.
Rachel: Yeah yeah yeah. This was ten days before the due date. What the hell did we do?
Dennis: I just know it was good.
Rachel: (laugh) That’s so typical you. You can win an argument because of my pregnancy brain and baby brain, just by saying that.
Dennis: No, but your last five birthdays, or last few anniversaries, they were all good. I can’t remember what the fuck we did. I just know that they were good.
Rachel: Dude, I cannot remember anything. I don’t remember anything until … I remember beginning of 2016 really clearly, because that was before I got pregnant. Then all of 2016 is sort of a blur, and around the baby just being born was a blur. I remember this last month, like, my memory span is just the last couple weeks. Okay, so normally in our family I’m the big celebrator. I love celebrating things. I would celebrate … So, we have our anniversary for when we got together, which is April 1st, which was the infamous night you drove me to your house instead of driving me to your hotel, as you just so candidly shared with the world.
Dennis: No. That was not that night.
Dennis: That was not that night.
Rachel: Oh shit! You’re right again. No! Okay. Fuck! Fuck! Okay, that was March. That was mid-
Rachel: Beginning of March.
[62:00] Dennis: March … I can’t remember if it was March 14 or March 10.
Rachel: Okay, and then. Well what if it’s the baby’s birthday?
Dennis: It could be. Because you went to Costa Rica for two weeks.
Rachel: What!? Wait, you have to look it up.
Dennis: You went to Costa Rica for two weeks before you came back.
Rachel: Oh my god, we have to look it up. What if our baby was born, to the day, eight years after we first got together?
Dennis: Yeah, we were one. I was inside of you.
Rachel: Dennis! Ughhhhh. Okay.
Dennis: Okay, I was trying to look for a post, what we did for the Valentines, which is what I posted.
Rachel: I always say that we’re going to edit this stuff out, and we never edit anything out, but you’re so incredibly inappropriate sometimes. No? What is that?
Dennis: Oh no, I was trying to look for-
Rachel: Valentine’s Day last year?
Dennis: Valentine’s Day, but I didn’t post anything. It was the day after.
Rachel: Oh, that’s how much you cared about me, you didn’t post anything.
Dennis: I’m sure you did!
Rachel: I’m sure I did. I can go look too. No, but I mean, I’m definitely the one in the family who likes to celebrate. So, April 1st is the day that I flew back from Costa Rica to live here, basically.
Dennis: That’s the day you moved to Aruba.
Rachel: Yeah. April 1st, that’s our, like, main anniversary. And then we have … Tell me our wedding date?
Dennis: June 28.
Rachel: Then we have June 28, which is our wedding date. 2014. So we are going to have our fourth anniversary this year. Then, do you remember the day we got engaged?
Dennis: It’s also June. I think it’s June 23, not sure.
Dennis: 17th? Okay, close enough.
Rachel: Mmhm. And then we have your birthday, April 16th, my birthday, October 5, and now we have the baby’s birthday, which is March 13th. Those are the things that I, at least, really like to celebrate. There’s a lot of celebration happening there.
Dennis: Valentine’s Day you like to celebrate.
Rachel: I like to celebrate anything. I’ll celebrate anything that you’ll go along with, kind of. It doesn’t have to be this ginormous gesture. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing, it’s more about the effort of, like, doing something together.
[64:00] Dennis: I remember what I gave you for our, uh, April first though. Last year.
Rachel: Really? What was it?
Dennis: Really big can of Nutella.
Rachel: Oh Yeah!
Dennis: I can’t remember. It was a lot of things. Massage that you still didn’t use.
Rachel: No babes, I think that was Mother’s Day. It was my first Mother’s Day.
Dennis: That was Mother’s Day.
Rachel: Your memory is also bad. You know we’re getting really old?
Dennis: I know. 30 is the new 50.
Rachel: (laugh) That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard! 30 is the new 50. Fuck. That. Shit. Okay. Let’s take a last couple of questions, I guess. Another question that came in a lot, this is very interesting what came in. Is it because Valentine’s Day is approaching and people are already fighting with their significant other about celebrations?
Dennis: Maybe. But I’m really waiting for what you’re going to do for me this year.
Rachel: I’m going to … blow your socks off. You just wait.
Dennis: Nice! Equality, lady.
Rachel: I’m going to prepare something awesome. People asked a lot of questions about jealousy.
Rachel: A lot, like, several came in.
Dennis: I get super jealous when you go out drinking with my friends. Not because I’m afraid you’re going to sleep with them, but because I don’t get to go and drink with them.
Rachel: That’s super true. Yeah, we get jealous with each other about friend stuff, like who gets to go places, because now one of us is always home with the baby. But I think these questions all were in reference to jealousy in, like other people. And not just necessarily cheating, but do you get jealous if a guy would hit on me, and would I get jealous if a girl hits on you?
Dennis: Well, depending who it is.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Dennis: If it’s like a Brad Pitt or like a Ryan Gosling or whoever is hip at the moment-
Rachel: Wait! Those are the two guys that you, if you think of, like-
Dennis: Or George Clooney? I don’t know who’s hip.
Dennis: Then I know I have no chance. Then I’m like, “Fuck!”
Rachel: Wait, are those your top three men that you think are handsome? Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt, and George Clooney?
[66:00] Dennis: Those are actors that I know by name. I don’t know many actress-
Rachel: That’s it, those are the three.
Dennis: Well, I know Will Smith. I would get jealous of Will Smith too, I guess.
Rachel: (laugh) So, you would get-
Dennis: If it’s Robert deNiro, I’m okay.
Rachel: Okay, Bobby Deniro, that’s too far. So is it about the fact that they’re handsome and that would make you nervous? Or what is it?
Dennis: Because I have no chance.
Rachel: I honestly don’t think you would get jealous.
Dennis: I don’t think I would get jealous, I don’t think so. Because you wouldn’t last.
Dennis: It would be like a one time thing.
Rachel: The thing is, you don’t really have a jealous bone in your body.
Dennis: I don’t think so.
Rachel: I don’t think so, at all. That’s kind of nice. It’s really, really nice. It also shows that you trust me a lot, which is really nice.
Dennis: And stupid.
Rachel: Stupid, yeah. You know, I saw George the other day, and he’s looking really good. I think maybe it’s 50 that’s the new 30. How old is George Clooney?
Dennis: Is he 50?
Rachel: I don’t know, isn’t he older?
Dennis: I think he’s older.
Rachel: Jesus Christ. He’s still handsome though.
Dennis: Silver fox.
Rachel: Silver fox, yeah, silver fox. Another question that came in … Well, I get jealous sometimes.
Dennis: But of who? There’s no girls around me.
Rachel: There’s no girls around, I know. Or actually, I work at a yoga studio. There’s only girls around me.
Rachel: Hey girl, I’ll give you free yoga.
Dennis: Just come over here.
Rachel: Clear abuse of power!
Dennis: Can I have your consent? Please sign here, here, and there. Yeah.
Rachel: (laugh) You are surrounded.
Rachel: Yeah, so PC. That should be your new thing, your new hashtag. You are surrounded by girls all the time. And by very beautiful girls. Every single person on our team is like a cute, beautiful girl.
Dennis: Yeah. I know them through-
Rachel: I have never been jealous of anybody in that way.
Dennis: They’re too annoying.
Rachel: They’re too annoying! No, I don’t know, I had a couple moments where I was jealous with you with like an ex-girlfriend or something.
[68:00] Dennis: Which one of them?
Rachel: There were so many.
Rachel: Which one of the two and a half?
Dennis: Yeah. Two and a half. That reminds me, have a date with an ex-girlfriend on February 15th.
Rachel: That’s okay, you’re talking about Luna’s pediatrician?
Dennis: Uh, physician.
Rachel: Physician, okay, yeah. That’s totally fine. So, the baby’s doctor is Dennis’ ex-girlfriend. She’s totally cool.
Dennis: And she’s getting married.
Rachel: And she’s getting married. And she helped the baby with her ear infection the other week, and-
Dennis: And the dad, and the sister.
Rachel: Yeah, they all helped. They’re actually, they’re super cool people. Yeah, no, we’re fine with jealousy. I don’t think we have any advice for people dealing with jealousy, because clearly this is not an issue in our relationship.
Dennis: Maybe you should as Rachel when she’s alone.
Rachel: Maybe you should ask me when I’m alone with George Clooney … (laugh) Oh my god I have a feeling we’re going to manifest George Clooney in our lives. That’d be so cool. Oo! I want to meet George Clooney and drink his tequila. That would be, like …
Dennis: Or Maybe he can come on the podcast.
Rachel: Yes, that would be … George! If you’re listening, George? Georgie?
Rachel: Georgino, if you’re listening, we would love to have you on From The Heart podcast. Dennis will be sitting right outside listening.
Dennis: What if, like, Michelle comes and whisper into my ear. Would you feel jealous?
Rachel: Who’s Michelle?
Dennis: Michelle? You don’t know her?
Rachel: Oh! Your old pal.
Dennis: My friend.
Rachel: Your friend. Um, I kind of-
Dennis: I just call her Michelle.
Rachel: I kind of get the feeling, like, Michelle and Barack are kind of solid. I don’t think she’d mess around like that. I mean, maybe when she sees you and she’s like, “Oh god!” Maybe you’ll “Show her the stars.”
Dennis: I show you some shooting stars, if you know what I mean.
Rachel: Oh god. Okay, we’re going to need to wrap this up now. This is… I feel like every podcast we do, they escalate in inappropriateness.
[70:00] Dennis: No, I think we only covered three questions. How many questions did we have?
Rachel: I know, you’re talking a lot now. It’s really, you’re really fun. Do you remember back in the day when you would not speak on my Snapchat?
Dennis: Yeah but-
Rachel: Silent Dennis.
Dennis: Look, where is Snapchat now?
Rachel: Where is Snapchat now? So sad, so sad. Instagram is such a big, big, big bully. I wasn’t going to ask this question, but since we’ve already covered so many PC topics-
Dennis: Oh, you didn’t even cover your list, actually.
Rachel: What? I have the list right here. I’m picking from it. Here’s one: “Dennis, what are your thoughts on cannabis?”
Dennis: Cannabis? Um, pro? Not a big fan.
Rachel: Oh, that sums it up.
Dennis: Yeah. Sorry.
Rachel: Okay. Moving on. Yeah, okay. You don’t want to talk about that at all?
Dennis: Um, no. It’s, yeah, I tried smoking a few times. I can’t smoke!
Rachel: But you do eat gummy bears.
Dennis: Oh, the gummies are good!
Rachel: The gummies are … (laugh)
Dennis: But we don’t-
Rachel: We don’t get them here. We’re waiting for a certain friend to come to the island and provide. I bet he’s listening right now!
Dennis: I don’t try to go out and try to get gummies, but if someone, or if our one friend from Colorado happens to be here, then I’ll have some of his gummies, and it’s nice.
Rachel: Yeah, but I don’t understand because all you do is you just fall asleep.
Dennis: Yeah, that’s the thing! Now, I don’t know. Yeah, maybe once or twice a year?
Rachel: Yeah. I would have the same answer. I’m pro, but not a big fan, I guess. I kind of tried. I tried liking weed.
Dennis: You don’t like the gummies.
[72:00] Rachel: No, I don’t like any form of it, actually. I tried for a while to like, yeah. I don’t know, I had it prescribed once or twice for my back pain, it could be a really good thing for me to smoke, or do it as a part of practice and with intention and all of that, and it is the mother herb, after all. But I just never … It’s not for me, no. It’s not for me. But I’m pro it, and a lot of our friends smoke here, and eat gummy bears. I think you just like the idea of eating candy that tastes really nice, and then you get all tired and gooey, and then you go to sleep. I don’t get the point of that, at all.
Dennis: Yeah that’s … No, it’s a nice feeling to just space out. But, to be honest, I don’t think I’ve had …. Like, in the last year and a half, I haven’t had-
Rachel: One maybe. Once.
Dennis: Or actually last, like, Christmas. When we went from New Year’s from 2016 to 2017.
Rachel: (laugh) My god, we’re such parents! You have to look back at which year was the last time you ingested cannabis. Yes, several years ago. You’re such a dad now. And yes, it’s good, we’re grown up. All is well. End of the day we’ll have like a glass of wine and watch Grace and Frankie.
Dennis: It’s the new show.
Rachel: It’s the new show. We’re loving it. I’m really loving it. I’ve been avoiding it forever because it’s been on the top of Netflix, and it’s like two older ladies, and I’m like, “This is not going to be a show for us,” but it’s really good!
Dennis: Yeah, it’s nice.
Rachel: It’s pretty nice. If anybody is listening, you guys, you should go check out Grace and Frankie. Okay, Dennis! Anything you would like to end with? Any profound words from the big D? (laugh)
Dennis: I didn’t understand that joke. What are you trying to say, with the Big D?
Rachel: I’m saying Dennis. (laugh)
Dennis: You’re so … Are you sure you’re not on a gummy right now?
Rachel: I’m kind of tired.
Dennis: You’re like a little kid.
[74:00] Rachel: I’m a little kid, I’m a little tired, I’m a little … I’ve had a long day, okay? I’ve had a long day. Let’s do our absolute final, final, final, final question. What do we have planned for the end of this night, for tonight, for right now? What does our life look like when we turn off this recorder and we go about our day?
Dennis: I think you wanted to invite your cousin to come have dinner with us at our home, and I’m about to put the trainer in the living room. Trainer is a stationary bicycle.
Rachel: A very noise one.
Dennis: So I can move … Yeah, so I can move for like and hour before I go to bed.
Rachel: So what it means, it’s like a little contraption that he puts his actual bike into, so that he can bike into nothing.
Dennis: Bike, but not move.
Rachel: Move, but move in space. Yeah.
Dennis: Move the body, but not move in … physicality?
Rachel: (laugh) Yeah, that’s good. I was thinking we would go pick up the baby and then go get groceries, because we have not gotten groceries in two weeks. I do not even know how we’re alive right now.
Dennis: Oh, that sounds so fun.
Rachel: If it wasn’t four Nourish Café, we would not be alive.
Rachel: That’s kind of … I mean, we’re really lucky to have this café, but I was thinking we would do that, and then cook, and you can bike a little bit, and then I’ll put the baby to bed, and then a glass of wine, and maybe …
Dennis: Sounds pretty good.
Rachel: Yeah. Sounds good! Sounds like a planl
Rachel: Well, should we put a little disclaimer at the end of this podcast? If anybody is upset with anything that Dennis has shared, you are very welcome to talk to him about it on his Instagram page. How do you feel about that?
Dennis: That’s okay. Just don’t … The vegan activists, if you can hear me-
Rachel: Do you have a message for all the vegan activists out there?
Dennis: I respect everything you do.
Rachel: Oh, that’s nice!
Dennis: But don’t do it on my page.
Rachel: (laugh) Yeah, that’s good. All the vegan activists, come to my Instagram page and we can talk and have friendly discussions over there. Don’t talk to Dennis, especially not on his fishing pictures! He gets very annoyed.
[76:00] Dennis: (laugh)
Rachel: But that’s okay now, right? You live with two vegans!
Rachel: Yeah! How is that feeling?
Dennis: Normal, as long as I can eat my fish burgers.
Rachel: Yeah, I don’t say anything about that. It’s all good. Okay, well babes, thanks for coming on the show and for making me laugh so much. I cannot remember why we ever fight!
Dennis: You’re welcome.
Rachel: I love you you stupid face! Okay, peace out.
Dennis: Until next time.
Rachel: Until next time. See you next week.
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